He feared her silence more than he feared her words. When she spoke, her thoughts spilled freely but in her silence thunderclouds brewed in her head….and no one wanted to be around for that storm- not even him….whom she so dearly loved.
Words really can’t express how in love I am with my boyfriend and how thankful I am for him this Christmas season :)
Positive thinking and kindness go a long way — that’s what I’ve strived to do this year, just be nice to everyone (even the people I really don’t like) and try not to let things bother me. Really focus on not caring what anyone else in the world thinks about how I live my life, or my relationship because haters are always going to hate. That’s their *job* a haters job can’t be to be nice, then they wouldn’t be called haters. But I think haters are also there to show you how strong your faith is in yourself and your relationships. It helps you see when you’ve crossed the line from insecure, to secure, to perfectly content and in bliss. You know the house out of straw, the house out of sticks and the house out of bricks. Ain’t nothing touching the house out of bricks and that’s ultimately what I’m trying to be cause at the end of the day I have to do what’s right for me.
Can I hold you while you wrap yourself around me? I’ll play with your hair and drag my fingertips across your skin. You’ll peck at my neck while I laugh and tell you to stop. We could whisper cute things to each other over pillows that no one else could hear. We’d just stare in each others eyes until a smile cracked the silence of our lips… Would you fall in love with me for the night?- julianplowden.tumblr.com
Today I got to be part of the best photo shoot of my life. We got our hair done and makeup done professionally with expensive designer clothes and I pretty much got my own personal photo shoot. People wanted to take pictures of just me, my gestures, my movements. I climbed a tree and a lamppost and I twirled around Forbes and I laughed ridiculously with my curled hair and I LOVED every fucking minute of it. I kinda just want to do that forever….like model (for stores or clothes or something) its just such an electric energy. I want that.
But I go to Princeton…but I’m still going to try to get in on that.
Furthermore, in the wake of my recent break up with my now ex-boyfriend I have fully come to realize that I am (once again) (except this time for real and not like middle school nonsense) just the quintessential girl in love with her best friend. And its crazy because I could literally just spend all day with him like talking, laughing, going to the street, getting lost, doing homework, eating lunch, lawnparties…things are just better when I’m doing them with him. Like I *know* I will have fun because he’s there and he has a 100% rate of making my laugh till I jizz and thats been true since September of freshman year. Except I’m supposed to be a good friend, and be the chill bro and be a wingman and help him get with this girl who he’s crazy about who doesn’t even realize what she’s being handed. Who can’t see past her shallow desires to date some big strong “manly” man and realize that she has a guy who likes Secondhand Serenade and has hazel green eyes and speaks French is amazing at life and would do anything to make her happy. And for that I will let him ask her to the OBB and they will have a glorious makeout session and she will drop his ass and I will sadly still be there.
Sigh. I never tumblr about people at school…but I had to get that off my chest.
AH well thats it for now tumblr
…results come out in T-minus 62 minutes. Not that I’m counting…or you know care.
Home is where the heart is, but lately I’ve been feeling lost. I come “home” on breaks but what am I even coming home to? There’s my dad’s house (soon to be another house)….and my mom’s place….but neither one of these is my home. I have *my* room that I try and stay in because its the only thing that is still familiar, that I can still hold on to and grasp but what happens when this too is changed, altered and traded in for the unfamiliar? What do I have left to hold onto then?
My parents are doing a good job of ostracizing me from most of the adults in my life that have acted as stepping stools and blocks in my foundation. The adults that have always been there for me and have acting as pseudo parental figures in the midst of the chaotic mess that is my parents. The ones that showed me attention and took me places and gave me the warmth that I needed.
I wanted nothing more than to have a car and have that freedom but now I’m realizing that with that freedom I feel even more like a stranger or visiter in these two dwelling places and I feel like my roots are just that much more loosely tied down to the life I once had. I keep trying to grasp onto whatever parts of my childhood are still real but the more I’m here, the older I get and the more people tell me I realize that things were just an allusion - a smoke screen of normalcy to cloud the dysfunctional habits and tendencies of my family. That things that I thought happened for a reason were really just cover-ups and that I was the product of several misguided decisions turned miraculously right and not as I once figured principled discipline and calculated parenting strategies.
Furthermore as I drift farther and farther away I wonder if my parents haven’t taken the time to get to know me in these past 18 years while I was living with them does that mean they will never truly know? Has the boat really already sailed?
But I don’t like her. I feel like this deserves a #sorryimnotsorry hashtag. I’m not buying the whole she has no feelings towards me bs….maybe I’m secretly a psycho bitch on the inside but you staying with her feels like the manipulative secret devious plan of hers is working or something…meh. oh well.
Maybe I’d like her if she weren’t so nosy / in my business all the time <— why I don’t feel bad.